Driving Offence
Highly amusing Driving Offence retraction - very funny!
Click here to download a small PDF (document) File
Virgin Flights
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!"
The attendant replied ," I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you,but I've to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out".
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began- her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14".
True Quotes About Science From Kids
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
- For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
- For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Google Trick
To access an amusing page on Google, type "Weapons of Mass Destruction" into the Search Bar and click "I feel lucky"!
This news just in . . . Math Teacher Arrested . . .
========== NYC ==========
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested for trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, on this subject, Attorney
General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-gebra movement.
The man is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome sleeper network," Ashcroft said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names
like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have
determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval, or geometry, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
